Today one week ago, my husband and I went through the unthinkable: the stillbirth of our firstborn, a newborn boy named Azaiah. As we struggle with the great pain of saying goodbye to a life that was so rich in love and hope, our hearts hurt.

Our three protracted and difficult years of trying to get pregnant were a defining part of our path to parenting. Our joy knew no boundaries when we finally received the long-awaited positive pregnancy test in April. It was a miracle, and we were thrilled about the idea of starting a family.

Extreme nausea and vomiting plagued me for the entirety of my pregnancy, and they remained right up to the day I gave birth. I persisted despite the constant discomfort, reminding myself that once we held our precious baby in our arms, every difficult moment would be worthwhile. Our hopes were dashed, though, when I experienced premature membrane rupture at barely 20 weeks and 1 day because fate had other ideas for us. We found ourselves looking for explanations for why this tragedy occurred as we held our baby, Azaiah, in our arms. He and I were both in excellent health, which makes his abrupt death all the more puzzling. It’s a pain that is indescribable and that words can’t adequately describe. Loѕіnɡ a child is a ᴜnіqᴜe and devаѕtаtіпɡ experience, and it leaves an indescribable void in our lives.

Since I can remember, having children has been a deeply rooted longing in my heart. Even though my child isn’t here with us anymore, I suppose in a way I already am a mother. However, the pain of losing Azaiah is unbearable, and the possibility of experiencing such loss again makes the idea of having more children horrifying.

I take comfort in my husband’s and my loved ones’ support at this period of intense loss and uncertainty. I’m grateful to everyone who gives me space during this challenging period since their presence and empathy assist me go through this alien realm. We may not have all the answeгs we seek, but we cherish the brief time we had with Azaiah. He brought immense joy and meaning to our lives, even in his shoгt existence. We һold onto the love and memories we shared with our precious baby boy, cherishing the moments we had togetheг.

We hope to move past the loss of our dear Azaiah and find the strength to move forward, even in the face of uncertainty. We always treasure him in our hearts as our little angel in heaven.